I started writing songs when I was nine or ten. They were simple themes with the intention to make them into musicals. I would often write story lines along with them. It's curious to see how my relationship with music and writing has come along. I've watched the desire from being so intense, so deliberate when I was growing up. Every chance to be on stage--I took it. There were times we'd go to the store, Dad and sis and me, in Dad's pick up. Right when we'd get out of the truck, I'd hop in the bed of the truck and start singing at the top of my lungs, I'd whale and flail my arms about as if I were in a Broadway show. You can imagine how my Dad and Sister felt. Sister often walked off as if she didn't know me (which was the case most of the time we were together). And Dad often persuaded me to get down, and stop making a scene. But I was uncontrollable, then. To a certain extent I am still uncontrollable now. And that spirit is wonderful for songwriting. Especially when the songs are used for motivating others toward positive change--social change, personal change makes little difference.
Music affects our lives, the way we think, the way we act. Almost immediately, we can feel the way the music we are hearing is affecting us. To be honest, I don't listen to recorded music very much. I enjoy the singing of birds, the sound of the wind in the palms, even the whir of electricity running through the house. It's all music. It all puts out its own vibration. Every living organism has its own vibration. Plants, animals and minerals. And each of us has our own song. That song we sing goes with us wherever we go. It changes too. As we grow old, our song refines. And as we are passing, our song leaves our body. Death is a body without a song. Life is a body filled with music.
Listen, and you will hear it. The song of your heart. The rythmn of your soul. Wonderful!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Sunday, June 8, 2008
A LETTER TO MALE SURVIVORS
Dear Brothers,
My name is Brian. I came from childhood abuse. But I am more than that. The one thing I was afraid of after my stepfather came into my bedroom was that what he did would make me gay. I am gay. It's hard to say those words. I've spent so much of my life trying to convince myself otherwise.
Sex and sexuality has been made a forbidden subject in our society. We do it. We see it in advertisements, and on movies, in magazines, and in our relationships. But we don't talk about it. We don't really talk about it. It's not just the talking about sex that has been forbidden, it is the deep looking into it, the surveying of it in our heart, in our body, and in our consciousness. It's this reluctance to get in touch with how we are affecting the world with our views and actions in regards to sex and sexuality.
It may not be extreme to say that most of us, if not all of us, survivors and non-survivors alike of any gender and nationality, have contributed to the misuse and abuse of sex and sexuality. I don't mean so much how we treat others (how we treat others does matter too and affects us and our life) I mean to say that each of us are creating more pain, more hardship, more corruption of this energy.
Sex is energy. We use energy for many things. Sex in our culture has been used to gain power over our thoughts and our actions. Advertisements built by consumerist, capitalistic giants use sex to empower their message: Buy, Buy, Buy. And we are committed, through our actions of body, speech and mind, to servicing their desire for money, power and possession of one of the world's most precious, most valuable resources: The Human Mind.
We are trained from a very young age in habitual responses. Men who love women see movies where beautiful women are saved and caressed by studly, handsome, physically sculpted males, and the men may feel aroused. This arousal may trigger a response, and the response is trademarked by the image--what kind of man gets a beautiful woman?
Men are stimulated sexually through advertisements in order for the company selling the product to make a sale. What makes sexual desire so effective in marketing? Is it because men can't control their desires? Is it because when a man desires he goes after his desire, or else he is a lesser man?
The scene of a hunter chasing down a deer, or a fisherman winning the big catch. It's all clear, men who take home or have proof of catching, obtaining, claiming power over that which they desire--he is a burly man, a real man, a stud. He is a man who snags the most vivacious babe. But this man is a misguided child.
That which we desire is already a part of us, and our very desire creates an image of what it is that we desire. For me it is enough to desire. Desire has been in my mind for a long time, and I don't think it's going anywhere. Desire is never happy with just one thing. The moment one desire is fulfilled, another desire catches up with me. I have learned to be aware of when it is that I am desiring, and what it is that I am desiring for.
In the case of marketing, I am very attracted to models of underwear. Going to a store or looking in a magazine my desire is immediately tantalized by the latest thing. It doesn't really matter what's inside, it's the packaging and the way it makes me feel that is exciting. But funny, the models themselves aren't for sale, nor can I really feel satisfied by stroking the plastic wrapper--it's not real. But what is?
Is desire real? Or has desire been manufactured? Has it been manipulated? Has it been habitualized, sculpted with a particular goal in mind?
The little boy in me says, "NO! I don't want to be a slave anymore. NO! I don't want to be a victim, and the sex in me to be the vehicle that delivers me there."
Breathing in, I am aware of my desire.
Breathing out, I smile to my desire.
If all we did was to become aware of the things that are happening inside of us, our lives might improve. The anxiety I feel, the anger, the rage, the jealousy--it's all a habit and habit-forming. These things I have allowed to penetrate me, control me, offer me their actions, and I to take their actions on as my own--I turn around and purchase, show, and say to others, "Don't you love it?"
Men, I don't mean not to buy pretty underwear, and not to get excited over the things you see on movies, on billboards, in magazines, and yes, even in your own bedroom. The point is to become aware. Once you are aware, the power is in you. The power has always been in you. And it is up to you to inspire it, to nurture it, to make it your own, and use it in ways that inspire others to love, to desire less, and obtain more peace, freedom and happiness.
When you stop, look and become aware of your desires, you see that anything you've wanted is made possible because you think it can be true. That which you desire is in you, the particles, the cells, the body of it are shared with your particles, cells and body. You only need to make it possible for it to manifest. When you have created the thought, the vision, and the space inside of you and in your life, that which you desire becomes reality. It is your perception that is behind it. It is your awareness that has made it so. Anything is possible. Love, happiness, peace and freedom are already a part of you. Make it so!
My name is Brian. I came from childhood abuse. But I am more than that. The one thing I was afraid of after my stepfather came into my bedroom was that what he did would make me gay. I am gay. It's hard to say those words. I've spent so much of my life trying to convince myself otherwise.
Sex and sexuality has been made a forbidden subject in our society. We do it. We see it in advertisements, and on movies, in magazines, and in our relationships. But we don't talk about it. We don't really talk about it. It's not just the talking about sex that has been forbidden, it is the deep looking into it, the surveying of it in our heart, in our body, and in our consciousness. It's this reluctance to get in touch with how we are affecting the world with our views and actions in regards to sex and sexuality.
It may not be extreme to say that most of us, if not all of us, survivors and non-survivors alike of any gender and nationality, have contributed to the misuse and abuse of sex and sexuality. I don't mean so much how we treat others (how we treat others does matter too and affects us and our life) I mean to say that each of us are creating more pain, more hardship, more corruption of this energy.
Sex is energy. We use energy for many things. Sex in our culture has been used to gain power over our thoughts and our actions. Advertisements built by consumerist, capitalistic giants use sex to empower their message: Buy, Buy, Buy. And we are committed, through our actions of body, speech and mind, to servicing their desire for money, power and possession of one of the world's most precious, most valuable resources: The Human Mind.
We are trained from a very young age in habitual responses. Men who love women see movies where beautiful women are saved and caressed by studly, handsome, physically sculpted males, and the men may feel aroused. This arousal may trigger a response, and the response is trademarked by the image--what kind of man gets a beautiful woman?
Men are stimulated sexually through advertisements in order for the company selling the product to make a sale. What makes sexual desire so effective in marketing? Is it because men can't control their desires? Is it because when a man desires he goes after his desire, or else he is a lesser man?
The scene of a hunter chasing down a deer, or a fisherman winning the big catch. It's all clear, men who take home or have proof of catching, obtaining, claiming power over that which they desire--he is a burly man, a real man, a stud. He is a man who snags the most vivacious babe. But this man is a misguided child.
That which we desire is already a part of us, and our very desire creates an image of what it is that we desire. For me it is enough to desire. Desire has been in my mind for a long time, and I don't think it's going anywhere. Desire is never happy with just one thing. The moment one desire is fulfilled, another desire catches up with me. I have learned to be aware of when it is that I am desiring, and what it is that I am desiring for.
In the case of marketing, I am very attracted to models of underwear. Going to a store or looking in a magazine my desire is immediately tantalized by the latest thing. It doesn't really matter what's inside, it's the packaging and the way it makes me feel that is exciting. But funny, the models themselves aren't for sale, nor can I really feel satisfied by stroking the plastic wrapper--it's not real. But what is?
Is desire real? Or has desire been manufactured? Has it been manipulated? Has it been habitualized, sculpted with a particular goal in mind?
The little boy in me says, "NO! I don't want to be a slave anymore. NO! I don't want to be a victim, and the sex in me to be the vehicle that delivers me there."
Breathing in, I am aware of my desire.
Breathing out, I smile to my desire.
If all we did was to become aware of the things that are happening inside of us, our lives might improve. The anxiety I feel, the anger, the rage, the jealousy--it's all a habit and habit-forming. These things I have allowed to penetrate me, control me, offer me their actions, and I to take their actions on as my own--I turn around and purchase, show, and say to others, "Don't you love it?"
Men, I don't mean not to buy pretty underwear, and not to get excited over the things you see on movies, on billboards, in magazines, and yes, even in your own bedroom. The point is to become aware. Once you are aware, the power is in you. The power has always been in you. And it is up to you to inspire it, to nurture it, to make it your own, and use it in ways that inspire others to love, to desire less, and obtain more peace, freedom and happiness.
When you stop, look and become aware of your desires, you see that anything you've wanted is made possible because you think it can be true. That which you desire is in you, the particles, the cells, the body of it are shared with your particles, cells and body. You only need to make it possible for it to manifest. When you have created the thought, the vision, and the space inside of you and in your life, that which you desire becomes reality. It is your perception that is behind it. It is your awareness that has made it so. Anything is possible. Love, happiness, peace and freedom are already a part of you. Make it so!
Friday, June 6, 2008
HOW TO LIGHTEN UP!
Thay has offered a most wonderful training to help us with the conflicts we face in ourselves and in the world. It is a simple practice that has been handed down from the Buddha. It is the practice of mindful breathing. Whenever you are tired, you are sad from things you hear on the news or read in the paper, whenever you feel stressed in relationships, you feel angry and irritable, you are invited to return to your breathing. The simple practice is:
Breathing in, I know I am breathing in.
Breathing out, I know I am breathing out.
Breathing in, I feel calm.
Breathing out, I feel at ease.
Breathing in, I smile.
Breathing out, I release all worries, tension and anxiety.
I have underestimated the power of this simple practice. You know those times when someone says something or does something and you just want them to shut up, and you feel guilty and ashamed for thinking such things? Or those times when you hear really terrible news, and your energy suddenly drops, you feel depressed and you don't know what to do? These are the times to put into practice this short meditation.
No matter where you are, what you are doing, this will help you return. We don't need another depressed person, another anxious, worried face. We need compassion. Compassion is the courage to be ourselves in any situation, and to meet ourselves, even through trials, with the conviction that love and peace and centeredness is the most important thing. If we lose our peace, our love, our calm, we lose touch with the ultimate and the impermanence of things. And the hells in which we are working to save people from will become our reality. Then we are hungry ghosts in need of recovery, in need of helping arms to rescue us from suffering. All of us can practice this peace, this love. We don't need to suffer to help relieve the suffering in others. Our own freedom from suffering is the best gift we can offer those who are in need. Practice peace, love and equanimity.
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