What makes us survivors? Is it not on the same lines as what makes "gays" gay? I'm gay, and I'm a survivor of sexual child abuse. I'm an American, too. Sometimes it helps to say that I am these things, because it has been challenging, or it is challenging at times to be these things.
I've had a lot of anger towards the gay community, have had anger against Americans (even though I am one) and have had anger for survivors of abuse (I have always considered myself a pro-survivor). All of this being said anger has played a large role in my recovery, whether I do recover, or don't recover. Anger has been linked, not just to my frustration, but to my sadness, to my regrets...I think, "Why do I have to say I'm gay? Why do I have to say I was abused by my stepfather? Why do I have to commit to the nation of my birth?"
I don't always agree with the community at large, even though I am part of that community. I have chosen this road, and I have also been presented with this "choice" through my circumstances. It's hard to admit, first, the truth of what I am in this body, in this life, the truth of what happened to me as child, and the truth of how I've conducted my life post.
I have had hatred in my heart for parts of myself, and when I see others that portray certain characteristics about myself (I'm a little femme) I become hateful of them too. This hate, this anger eats away at my heart. I resist these titles, and in doing so, I feel there is a part of myself that I resist. To truly accept myself without being caught in myself, or my idea of self (because I'm Buddhist and don't agree with a separate self) that is my personal challenge, that is my Karma if you will. That is my journey of recovery, recovering the beauty of my heart: Love, preciousness, freedom and responsibility.
I have a responsibility to my country, and to the people I accept as lovers. I have a responsibility to other survivors, because I have survived. This journey as a survivor is one that I can share with others, and when I share my experiences, my triumphs, and my challenges I feel nourished, and I believe I nourish other survivors and friends of survivors too.
The heart can grow cold. When the heart grows cold with anger, hatred and violence, the habit and the energy of abuse continues in oneself, and in society. Love, Truth and Beauty is the reality of an open heart, an open mind, and a body that breathes life and recovery for the benefit of all. For me, it's more than just agree or disagree it is about what creates more or less suffering. It is inevitable: there will be some pains in life, some hurts, some separation, and something that may cause ill-being. Anger doesn't help anyone. Fear, prejudice, doesn't help anything. But love, love heals all wounds.
When there is love, there is deep-listening, there is openness, honesty, and vulnerability. Being able to show our strengths and our weakness, that is being human.Thank you to everyone for listening, and for sharing your heartfelt sentiments. Keep Thriving!
Showing posts with label male survivors. Show all posts
Showing posts with label male survivors. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Sunday, June 8, 2008
A LETTER TO MALE SURVIVORS
Dear Brothers,
My name is Brian. I came from childhood abuse. But I am more than that. The one thing I was afraid of after my stepfather came into my bedroom was that what he did would make me gay. I am gay. It's hard to say those words. I've spent so much of my life trying to convince myself otherwise.
Sex and sexuality has been made a forbidden subject in our society. We do it. We see it in advertisements, and on movies, in magazines, and in our relationships. But we don't talk about it. We don't really talk about it. It's not just the talking about sex that has been forbidden, it is the deep looking into it, the surveying of it in our heart, in our body, and in our consciousness. It's this reluctance to get in touch with how we are affecting the world with our views and actions in regards to sex and sexuality.
It may not be extreme to say that most of us, if not all of us, survivors and non-survivors alike of any gender and nationality, have contributed to the misuse and abuse of sex and sexuality. I don't mean so much how we treat others (how we treat others does matter too and affects us and our life) I mean to say that each of us are creating more pain, more hardship, more corruption of this energy.
Sex is energy. We use energy for many things. Sex in our culture has been used to gain power over our thoughts and our actions. Advertisements built by consumerist, capitalistic giants use sex to empower their message: Buy, Buy, Buy. And we are committed, through our actions of body, speech and mind, to servicing their desire for money, power and possession of one of the world's most precious, most valuable resources: The Human Mind.
We are trained from a very young age in habitual responses. Men who love women see movies where beautiful women are saved and caressed by studly, handsome, physically sculpted males, and the men may feel aroused. This arousal may trigger a response, and the response is trademarked by the image--what kind of man gets a beautiful woman?
Men are stimulated sexually through advertisements in order for the company selling the product to make a sale. What makes sexual desire so effective in marketing? Is it because men can't control their desires? Is it because when a man desires he goes after his desire, or else he is a lesser man?
The scene of a hunter chasing down a deer, or a fisherman winning the big catch. It's all clear, men who take home or have proof of catching, obtaining, claiming power over that which they desire--he is a burly man, a real man, a stud. He is a man who snags the most vivacious babe. But this man is a misguided child.
That which we desire is already a part of us, and our very desire creates an image of what it is that we desire. For me it is enough to desire. Desire has been in my mind for a long time, and I don't think it's going anywhere. Desire is never happy with just one thing. The moment one desire is fulfilled, another desire catches up with me. I have learned to be aware of when it is that I am desiring, and what it is that I am desiring for.
In the case of marketing, I am very attracted to models of underwear. Going to a store or looking in a magazine my desire is immediately tantalized by the latest thing. It doesn't really matter what's inside, it's the packaging and the way it makes me feel that is exciting. But funny, the models themselves aren't for sale, nor can I really feel satisfied by stroking the plastic wrapper--it's not real. But what is?
Is desire real? Or has desire been manufactured? Has it been manipulated? Has it been habitualized, sculpted with a particular goal in mind?
The little boy in me says, "NO! I don't want to be a slave anymore. NO! I don't want to be a victim, and the sex in me to be the vehicle that delivers me there."
Breathing in, I am aware of my desire.
Breathing out, I smile to my desire.
If all we did was to become aware of the things that are happening inside of us, our lives might improve. The anxiety I feel, the anger, the rage, the jealousy--it's all a habit and habit-forming. These things I have allowed to penetrate me, control me, offer me their actions, and I to take their actions on as my own--I turn around and purchase, show, and say to others, "Don't you love it?"
Men, I don't mean not to buy pretty underwear, and not to get excited over the things you see on movies, on billboards, in magazines, and yes, even in your own bedroom. The point is to become aware. Once you are aware, the power is in you. The power has always been in you. And it is up to you to inspire it, to nurture it, to make it your own, and use it in ways that inspire others to love, to desire less, and obtain more peace, freedom and happiness.
When you stop, look and become aware of your desires, you see that anything you've wanted is made possible because you think it can be true. That which you desire is in you, the particles, the cells, the body of it are shared with your particles, cells and body. You only need to make it possible for it to manifest. When you have created the thought, the vision, and the space inside of you and in your life, that which you desire becomes reality. It is your perception that is behind it. It is your awareness that has made it so. Anything is possible. Love, happiness, peace and freedom are already a part of you. Make it so!
My name is Brian. I came from childhood abuse. But I am more than that. The one thing I was afraid of after my stepfather came into my bedroom was that what he did would make me gay. I am gay. It's hard to say those words. I've spent so much of my life trying to convince myself otherwise.
Sex and sexuality has been made a forbidden subject in our society. We do it. We see it in advertisements, and on movies, in magazines, and in our relationships. But we don't talk about it. We don't really talk about it. It's not just the talking about sex that has been forbidden, it is the deep looking into it, the surveying of it in our heart, in our body, and in our consciousness. It's this reluctance to get in touch with how we are affecting the world with our views and actions in regards to sex and sexuality.
It may not be extreme to say that most of us, if not all of us, survivors and non-survivors alike of any gender and nationality, have contributed to the misuse and abuse of sex and sexuality. I don't mean so much how we treat others (how we treat others does matter too and affects us and our life) I mean to say that each of us are creating more pain, more hardship, more corruption of this energy.
Sex is energy. We use energy for many things. Sex in our culture has been used to gain power over our thoughts and our actions. Advertisements built by consumerist, capitalistic giants use sex to empower their message: Buy, Buy, Buy. And we are committed, through our actions of body, speech and mind, to servicing their desire for money, power and possession of one of the world's most precious, most valuable resources: The Human Mind.
We are trained from a very young age in habitual responses. Men who love women see movies where beautiful women are saved and caressed by studly, handsome, physically sculpted males, and the men may feel aroused. This arousal may trigger a response, and the response is trademarked by the image--what kind of man gets a beautiful woman?
Men are stimulated sexually through advertisements in order for the company selling the product to make a sale. What makes sexual desire so effective in marketing? Is it because men can't control their desires? Is it because when a man desires he goes after his desire, or else he is a lesser man?
The scene of a hunter chasing down a deer, or a fisherman winning the big catch. It's all clear, men who take home or have proof of catching, obtaining, claiming power over that which they desire--he is a burly man, a real man, a stud. He is a man who snags the most vivacious babe. But this man is a misguided child.
That which we desire is already a part of us, and our very desire creates an image of what it is that we desire. For me it is enough to desire. Desire has been in my mind for a long time, and I don't think it's going anywhere. Desire is never happy with just one thing. The moment one desire is fulfilled, another desire catches up with me. I have learned to be aware of when it is that I am desiring, and what it is that I am desiring for.
In the case of marketing, I am very attracted to models of underwear. Going to a store or looking in a magazine my desire is immediately tantalized by the latest thing. It doesn't really matter what's inside, it's the packaging and the way it makes me feel that is exciting. But funny, the models themselves aren't for sale, nor can I really feel satisfied by stroking the plastic wrapper--it's not real. But what is?
Is desire real? Or has desire been manufactured? Has it been manipulated? Has it been habitualized, sculpted with a particular goal in mind?
The little boy in me says, "NO! I don't want to be a slave anymore. NO! I don't want to be a victim, and the sex in me to be the vehicle that delivers me there."
Breathing in, I am aware of my desire.
Breathing out, I smile to my desire.
If all we did was to become aware of the things that are happening inside of us, our lives might improve. The anxiety I feel, the anger, the rage, the jealousy--it's all a habit and habit-forming. These things I have allowed to penetrate me, control me, offer me their actions, and I to take their actions on as my own--I turn around and purchase, show, and say to others, "Don't you love it?"
Men, I don't mean not to buy pretty underwear, and not to get excited over the things you see on movies, on billboards, in magazines, and yes, even in your own bedroom. The point is to become aware. Once you are aware, the power is in you. The power has always been in you. And it is up to you to inspire it, to nurture it, to make it your own, and use it in ways that inspire others to love, to desire less, and obtain more peace, freedom and happiness.
When you stop, look and become aware of your desires, you see that anything you've wanted is made possible because you think it can be true. That which you desire is in you, the particles, the cells, the body of it are shared with your particles, cells and body. You only need to make it possible for it to manifest. When you have created the thought, the vision, and the space inside of you and in your life, that which you desire becomes reality. It is your perception that is behind it. It is your awareness that has made it so. Anything is possible. Love, happiness, peace and freedom are already a part of you. Make it so!
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