BEING AMERICAN, BEING GAY, BEING A SURVIVOR OF ABUSE

What makes us survivors? Is it not on the same lines as what makes "gays" gay? I'm gay, and I'm a survivor of sexual child abuse. I'm an American, too. Sometimes it helps to say that I am these things, because it has been challenging, or it is challenging at times to be these things.

I've had a lot of anger towards the gay community, have had anger against Americans (even though I am one) and have had anger for survivors of abuse (I have always considered myself a pro-survivor). All of this being said anger has played a large role in my recovery, whether I do recover, or don't recover. Anger has been linked, not just to my frustration, but to my sadness, to my regrets...I think, "Why do I have to say I'm gay? Why do I have to say I was abused by my stepfather? Why do I have to commit to the nation of my birth?"

I don't always agree with the community at large, even though I am part of that community. I have chosen this road, and I have also been presented with this "choice" through my circumstances. It's hard to admit, first, the truth of what I am in this body, in this life, the truth of what happened to me as child, and the truth of how I've conducted my life post.

I have had hatred in my heart for parts of myself, and when I see others that portray certain characteristics about myself (I'm a little femme) I become hateful of them too. This hate, this anger eats away at my heart. I resist these titles, and in doing so, I feel there is a part of myself that I resist. To truly accept myself without being caught in myself, or my idea of self (because I'm Buddhist and don't agree with a separate self) that is my personal challenge, that is my Karma if you will. That is my journey of recovery, recovering the beauty of my heart: Love, preciousness, freedom and responsibility.

I have a responsibility to my country, and to the people I accept as lovers. I have a responsibility to other survivors, because I have survived. This journey as a survivor is one that I can share with others, and when I share my experiences, my triumphs, and my challenges I feel nourished, and I believe I nourish other survivors and friends of survivors too.

The heart can grow cold. When the heart grows cold with anger, hatred and violence, the habit and the energy of abuse continues in oneself, and in society. Love, Truth and Beauty is the reality of an open heart, an open mind, and a body that breathes life and recovery for the benefit of all. For me, it's more than just agree or disagree it is about what creates more or less suffering. It is inevitable: there will be some pains in life, some hurts, some separation, and something that may cause ill-being. Anger doesn't help anyone. Fear, prejudice, doesn't help anything. But love, love heals all wounds.

When there is love, there is deep-listening, there is openness, honesty, and vulnerability. Being able to show our strengths and our weakness, that is being human.Thank you to everyone for listening, and for sharing your heartfelt sentiments. Keep Thriving!