I remember the days preceding the trial. A little, frail, twelve year old boy. My parents, family friends, and even my counselors recommended for me to get angry. For me to scream, and throw a fit. To punch a punching bag, beat pillows, and let all that anger go.
I didn't follow their instruction. I was too scared to let my anger go. And it indeed, affected my health. Depression, anxiety, rage, thoughts and acts toward suicide. It's terrible really, the results of our actions.
I can imagine my perpetrator as a twelve year old boy. The anger and hatred in him was most likely severe. By the way he treated me, my mother, and other family members I knew, even as I was a little boy, that his anger must have been growing for a long, long time.
First, love, develop compassion. There is no need to "get angry" really. A need to acknowledge anger, yes. A need to deal with anger, certainly. The way one deals with anger, though, may differ.
I was privvy to acting out with rage as a child. Even before the trial, before I even told anyone about the abuse I was tearing apart my room, getting into fits of rage. I couldn't help it! I didn't know what else to do. "Getting it all out" didn't feel like I got anything out.
When I discovered mindful breathing, that is what really helped. I became aware of my anger.
Aware of anger as I breathe in.
Aware of anger as I breathe out.
Aware of how anger makes me feel in my body, I breathe in.
Aware of how anger makes me feel in my body, I breathe out.
The awareness is the first step in truly loving ourselves. Awareness, not so much the doing. It is the non-doing, the stopping, the taking stock of what is there. Then, that moment is real. That moment reveals itself. What are the lessons to be learned?
First, love. First become aware. When you are aware, then you may have a better sense of what is there. And when you know what is there, then you will know what it is that you need help with, and how others may be able to help you.
First, love. Become aware. And the wonders of life will reveal themselves.
