Being Gay and In Love

I'm sometimes afraid of loving too much, especially in romantic love relationships. I want to be the best lover I can be, and would like to be given second and third chances...more if it is necessary and if it feels like the right thing to do.

Being in a committed gay relationship is tough in a heterosexist world. Each partner really needs the courage to love themselves, and commit to the obstacles in loving who he wants to love. There is often fear, self-betrayal and the tragedy of quitting too soon. I've been on both sides of the fences: I've loved and the other could not love me, I've loved and could not continue loving. There are some people whom we just aren't compatible with, but most often I feel like gay relationships fail because there is not enough support for them, not enough openness and not enough space between the lovers to feel safe, nurtured and free to be as they are.

There will always be challenges, there will always be room to grow, and there will always be something we can find alluring about the relationship we are in or have been in. My heart longs for union even though I know I am already one.

I hear some straight friends talk about their time of falling in love, how it happened without effort and how it took even less effort to maintain the relationship. It is unrealistic and illogical to assume that gay relationships will pan out that way, unless the people who are getting together are supremely prideful, aren't a bit afraid of being gay and haven't an ounce of internalized homophobia--even then, coming out and recognizing internalized homophobia is a lifelong process because it is so heavily ingrained in the collective consciousness. Men in gay relationships, particularly new ones need to face the reality: Is it safe to be with the person I long to be with? Is this longing okay?

I love being gay; it is the first time I can actually say it and mean it. I want the love I have to last a long time. It's no surprise to me that loving takes courage, tenacity and a fair amount of letting go. To love one must face the danger of showing themselves to the one they love, keeping their heart open, and embracing both the pleasure and pain reality of experiencing life just as it is.

©2010 Brian Kimmel.