Whatever strength and confidence I had in my abilities as a meditation teacher have dwindled. There have been so many things going on: school and a desk job mainly that have made me question my pursuits in offering retreats and workshops on mindful living. However, what better way is there to teach mindfulness than to live it, to practice mindfulness in one's daily life? That is my message for the new year: though we have many distinguished teachers, revered masters that can lead us and guide us on our chosen paths, there is only one person who can walk that path for you--you. This is not a new message, this is an ancient message, a vital message that my teachers have offered me, and this is what I offer you.
Greeting Conflict
The other day I had an opportunity to engage in loving speech and deep listening with a friend whom I was doing dinner cleanup with at Marpa House where I live. I could sense the anger in my friend as he was cleaning. There were many conditions that brought about his anger, one of them was me and the pace at which I was working. After we were nearly finished, I found the courage to ask him how he was doing. I told him that I sensed he was angry and wondered if it had to do with something I had said or done.
I was doing everything I could to not get angry myself. I felt hurt and betrayed. "How could he be angry at me," I thought. "Why me?"
I allowed him to speak and I continued to ask questions in response to things he said that I wanted to understand better. And there were many moments I wanted to runaway, but I stayed. There were many moments I wanted to chase him out of the kitchen, but I kept him close. I noticed the power of anger and the power of communication: what it takes to really stay in the moment, to not be distracted and to commit to being there with myself and the other person at the same time. I found the courage to face my own habit energy and to work with or be vigilant of the other person's habits of body, speech and mind.
The Practice of Speaking from the Heart
Speaking from the heart is a very useful skill in situations such as the one I was in with my friend in the kitchen. Much of this practice of speaking from the heart is developed through daily life. I include sitting meditation as part of daily life. What Buddhist's call practice is not separate from daily life and this must be understood. One's practice is one's daily life. How your life is lived is really important.
I spoke on the phone the other day with a friend who was talking about sobriety, how rare it is to find someone, as myself, who is naturally sober. I'm not sure what she meant exactly in saying I was naturally sober, but I understood what was important for her. It is important for her to have clarity in her mind. It is important for her to have a sense of personal responsibility and control over her own bodily actions. And perhaps in her life she feels a little out-of-control like she can't prevent herself from doing things she knows are self-destructive and may also hurt others.
One thing I would like to share about life: there is no personal, there is only collective. Everything we have: our mind, our body, our heart is part of the collective, part of everything and everyone. There are so many conditions providing us with the circumstance and the happenstance of our present moment experience. Whether you are experiencing joy or suffering, it is a collective joy and collective suffering.
Speaking from the heart is about dwelling in the ultimate, in the experience of oneness--being a part of the collective. I would like to write on three main principles of speaking from the heart: Openness, Confidence and Blatant Honesty.
Openness is a way of listening, of being receptive to what is going on. In being receptive, open and in listening there is an expectation that there is more to what is being said. There are conditions beneath the surface of one's actions that may communicate multitudes more than what words alone can, and even what nonverbal cues can. There are conditions present that are unseen, unfathomable, and those conditions are a part of the practice of openness. Be careful not to get stuck in one notion about a person or a thing or a situation. Be careful about your understanding and make sure that you are making space for things that you do not yet know about or the other person does not yet comprehend.
Confidence is about relating to your own and the other person's aspiration or intent. This is where clarity of mind comes in. You may ask yourself: What is the conversation really about? Where is this conversation going? Based on my own aspiration, is this conversation helpful? Will this conversation, and the way it is going fulfill a greater ambition? Is there a more direct path?
Dealing with confidence is mostly about tracking our own internal landscape. It is about being in touch with how we are experiencing the current situation within our body, our mind and our feeling self. If the conversation cannot be remedied or put on the right path, then it might be important to set a time with the person to talk later until there is more clarity around the situation, how each person is feeling and what needs to be said.
It took my friend and I in the kitchen a couple of tries to finally resolve our conflict and come up with a meaningful agreement for next time we are to work together, and to reconcile the ill-feelings that were between us during our current work period. We spent about an hour talking, engaging and disengaging in conversation as we sorted out our own feelings and concerns.
This is part of my training in the Thich Nhat Hanh Tradition, to resolve conflicts however small.* So I come into relationships with that underlying intent and aspiration. If ever there is a conflict, if it can be resolved on the spot, I will do it, no matter how uncomfortable it is. If it is a conflict that is too big to resolve, then I may tell the person, "I really would like to talk about this now, but I need a little time. How about we meet in a week or so? I will give you a call next Friday." And sometimes it is a conflict in which there is no give, and it feels hopeless to reconcile.
There have been only a few people in my life in which I have had to not talk to or am not talking to, because the conflict between us is too great. In the case of a conflict that is too hot or too big to solve, then I will hold the person in my heart, I will consider my own experience with the person and work on my own habit energy surrounding the conflict between us. I work to remove obstacles in myself that may be limiting the possibility of me getting along with the other person. But, also, I practice patience; the other person may be experiencing something that has really not much to do with me, but is some suffering within them that they need time to heal from. In any case it is the confidence I have in my practice, in the way I live my life, that allows me to be open and honest with myself and which allows a greater opportunity, when the time comes, to speak from my heart.
With confidence, I have a certain ideal in which I aspire toward. In terms of sobriety, confidence is very influential. If a person wishing to be sober identifies and clarifies their confidence, their faith in their ability to be who they really are, who they aspire to be, their confidence may open the door to tremendous energy toward meeting their goal.
Blatant Honesty comes through the other two principles of speaking from the heart. Honesty is really important in any relationship. Blatant honesty is crucial. It is the honesty that is revealed to others and oneself. When I care about someone it is important to let them know I care--not only through my words, but through an honest and reciprocal expression.
For example, openness means that there is an unknowing part of the relationship, something unseen, some underlying factor that is contributing to this care and to this coming together of two people. Why my friend and I ended up in the kitchen together is unknown, really. What we are going to learn from it and how it will affect the rest of our lives is also uncertain. And with confidence, I am certain about my intent, that I am willing to put myself on the line in order to be the best I can be.
So when I am communicating how I feel, I am in touch with the principles of openness, that I do not have all the answers and am willing to learn along the way. Openness may be revealed to the other person as humility and wisdom. As I am communicating I am also in touch with the confidence in my intent. This confidence may bring a sense of tenderheartedness, sadness even, and a motivating power to what I am trying to express.
Steps Towards Speaking from the Heart
First, we need to be open to all possibilities. Second, we need to work on identifying what is important to us. Third, we need to practice, to live, and to be blatantly honest with ourselves and others: am I where I say I am, am I doing what I say I would like to do?
This isn't a shame game. This is a working with where we are and being honest about it to others and ourselves. Like I said to my friend in the kitchen, "Right now, I am really feeling hurt, and I don't know if I really want to be in the same room with you."
Sometimes honesty hurts a person. It hurts a person when what is said is truthful and it hurts a person when what is said is untruthful too. And that's perhaps why it is so challenging to speak openly, with confidence, with kindness and honesty from the heart.
I don't want to be the cause of someone's hurt, but sometimes in order to identify what is troubling them, and what is coming between us and creating conflict, I really need to share where I am. Most importantly to also share how much I care. "Even though I feel like being angry towards you," I might've said to my friend in the kitchen, "Because I care about you and really would like us to get along the best way we can, I want to listen and to be open to what you have to say, and would like you to hear what I have to say as well."
Nothing we think, say or do is extremely personal, it is always collective, because it affects everyone and everything. Speaking from the heart allows ourselves to be seen, to be heard and allows all others to be a part of our world explicitly. When there is no separation between self and other and when there is togetherness in body, speech and mind, there is more peace, more prosperity and more freedom for all.
©2010 Brian Kimmel.
www.briankimmel.com
*For a Future to be Possible by Thich Nhat Hanh. Parallax Press, 2007.
