My question is, "What if you live in the center of being already? What if you are already what you are looking for, seeking, and practicing to become? Then, what will you do? Who will you be? How will you live your life?"
There have been a few developments lately. In an effort to make my work more accessible I have postponed the Home-Based Meditation Retreat scheduled to start on Dec 31. For those of you who have already signed up--not to fear, many of my most recent talks are posted for free on my lulu site: http://www.lulu.com/briankimmelstore. I will be available through consult over the phone, by suggested donation $1 / minute. If you would like to receive consult, e-mail or give me a call and we will setup an appointment. Regular sessions over-the-phone or in person are better than a home-based retreat, because the time is completely tailored to your needs.
If you would like to pay for retreats you have attended, talks you have downloaded or listened to, and services like phone consultations and deep listening sessions please see my web-site www.briankimmel.com or the column beside my blog. On my front page below the picture under the metta prayer on the left hand column is a menu option saying Retreats: press the arrow beside it with your mouse pointer to scroll down. Choose Retreat, Talks, Workshops, Services, Downloads or Concerts if you like by pressing the highlighted selection with your mouse pointer. Then, in the white box above the “Pay Now” button, type in what you are making a gift for (like what specific talk or music you downloaded, what retreat or talk you attended or would like to attend, or what service you received). Finally, press “Pay Now” and it will bring you to pay pal checkout, and you can fill in the amount you'd like to offer there made payable by any major credit card or debit to Brian Kimmel.
These contributions will help support my daily living, transportation and materials I may need for research, equipment for recording and editing talks and music, as well as, publicity for events and any press-kits I will need to send out for event proposals and touring engagements. Your financial support is of great benefit, and will enable me to help more people through the practices and insights I have presented to you. I look forward to being available in more ways through this work, and to be able to invite others to assist me on this journey of sharing.
In Gratitude with the highest merit,
Brian
©2008 Brian Kimmel.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
OUR INTRINSIC NATURE
Dear Friends,
I'd like to share my definition, first, of conventional designation. A conventional designation is a name placed on anything that can be conceived of, rationalized, materialized or that changes according to view. Basically, everything is a conventional designation except source. What we are doing is relating to life in terms of a view or an idea of life that we have adopted. Conventional designations as my teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh has said, "Makes life easier." Sometimes it is necessary in our day to day experience to use words like "I" and "Mine" and "Theirs" and "Ours" but without the understanding of your intrinsic nature, you'll be deceived. Suffering, even the joys accompanying suffering are illusory, they come from the concept of "I" and "Mine." This is what I call the "Making of Mine."
In terms of survivors of abuse, and my own recovery, I have had to look at three root conventional designations that I have been holding as intrinsically wrong: Sex with a stepfather (parental figure), Sex with a male, sex as a child (rape). With the view that these three occurrences are intrinsically wrong, I would be held in the idea that a part of me, a part of my life was wrong. And that notion of wrong creates a pattern, a conditioned way of living and relating to life and the world. I can be trapped in what is commonly known as "Victimhood."
I don't say "victimhood" lightly. It's not the sort of victimhood that victims, or those caught in the view of self and other, call each other, it's the victimhood that we are forming within ourselves. What I have needed to do and what made all the difference in my recovery was this release of the idea that there is or was something intrinsically wrong with me, with an experience I had. And looking back on the experience I see it in a new way. An experience can never be the same, cannot really be stuck in time. It may feel that way, and it may appear that way, and one may suffer in the same way, with the same sort of pain and hurt, but it is not the same. How can it be the same? The experience can only be experienced truthfully as it is happening.
Whatever the mind does with what is experienced, whatever the body does with the experience, is removed from what the experience actually is or was. Now it becomes a perception, it is perceived, it is conventionalized, it is conceived of by the mind--and from that perception, without awareness, grows habit-energy. Habit energy is an unconsciousness manifestation of consciousness.
At the very base of who we think we are, is this notion of "self" and "other." At deaths door, on deaths table, everyone is faced with this notion of self. And those who succeed in vanquishing the notion of self will not return. Those who cannot release the notion of self will return, or will continue to live, in forgetfulness.
"Self" is defined as something other than what everyone else is. Although we have our separateness, there is a unique way in which all of us come-to-be, we are a unique flowering of consciousness as source, and it is only through togetherness that we exist.
"Wrong" is a conventional designation. It's an idea that we have adopted within ourselves, based on a certain accepted belief in society (or not accepted depending upon the source of the idea). If I continually hold onto the view of the three things about my experience with abuse that I felt to be wrong (emphasis on the "view" of it being "wrong") I subject myself to suffering, and the habit energy of "mine" never ceasing in the samsaric realm of birth, death, and the subsequent joys and pains associated with craving and desire.
Look into a conventional designation in terms of Kharma, or results of actions. Behind every action is a thought, behind every thought is volition, will and a view, behind every view is a habitualized relationship to an "I," a self, an entity, a soul existing separately from the source, that continually manifests experiences through the view of self and other, inside and outside, and all polarized extremes (i.e. Christian, non-Christian; Buddhist, non-Buddhist; friend, enemy).
What is not a conventional designation is that place which everything comes from, that thing which isn't a thing at all that unites us all, and is our intrinsic nature (in togetherness). Everything is consciousness as source, experiencing itself and nothing more. What we have been experiencing as life, really, is a delusion, an illusory concept of reality. Life cannot be contained within a concept, within a notion, within a thought, within an idea, an ideology (even the ones I am proposing now); life is far vaster than anything that can be materialized completely in one form, and yet it is all there in everything we can come in contact with.
What we have, and what we can develop is the expansiveness of our being. Having seen the darkness, the suffering, the joys in suffering--the delusion, the craving, and the stickiness to forms we release that which binds us to a material existence, one that in its very nature is impermanent. What unites us is intrinsically alive in its vastness, continually manifesting itself throughout the world of phenomena, the world we experience through our senses, our thoughts and our convictions. Life is too rare to be confined within a permanent idea of self, soul and other.
©2008 Brian Kimmel.
I'd like to share my definition, first, of conventional designation. A conventional designation is a name placed on anything that can be conceived of, rationalized, materialized or that changes according to view. Basically, everything is a conventional designation except source. What we are doing is relating to life in terms of a view or an idea of life that we have adopted. Conventional designations as my teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh has said, "Makes life easier." Sometimes it is necessary in our day to day experience to use words like "I" and "Mine" and "Theirs" and "Ours" but without the understanding of your intrinsic nature, you'll be deceived. Suffering, even the joys accompanying suffering are illusory, they come from the concept of "I" and "Mine." This is what I call the "Making of Mine."
In terms of survivors of abuse, and my own recovery, I have had to look at three root conventional designations that I have been holding as intrinsically wrong: Sex with a stepfather (parental figure), Sex with a male, sex as a child (rape). With the view that these three occurrences are intrinsically wrong, I would be held in the idea that a part of me, a part of my life was wrong. And that notion of wrong creates a pattern, a conditioned way of living and relating to life and the world. I can be trapped in what is commonly known as "Victimhood."
I don't say "victimhood" lightly. It's not the sort of victimhood that victims, or those caught in the view of self and other, call each other, it's the victimhood that we are forming within ourselves. What I have needed to do and what made all the difference in my recovery was this release of the idea that there is or was something intrinsically wrong with me, with an experience I had. And looking back on the experience I see it in a new way. An experience can never be the same, cannot really be stuck in time. It may feel that way, and it may appear that way, and one may suffer in the same way, with the same sort of pain and hurt, but it is not the same. How can it be the same? The experience can only be experienced truthfully as it is happening.
Whatever the mind does with what is experienced, whatever the body does with the experience, is removed from what the experience actually is or was. Now it becomes a perception, it is perceived, it is conventionalized, it is conceived of by the mind--and from that perception, without awareness, grows habit-energy. Habit energy is an unconsciousness manifestation of consciousness.
At the very base of who we think we are, is this notion of "self" and "other." At deaths door, on deaths table, everyone is faced with this notion of self. And those who succeed in vanquishing the notion of self will not return. Those who cannot release the notion of self will return, or will continue to live, in forgetfulness.
"Self" is defined as something other than what everyone else is. Although we have our separateness, there is a unique way in which all of us come-to-be, we are a unique flowering of consciousness as source, and it is only through togetherness that we exist.
"Wrong" is a conventional designation. It's an idea that we have adopted within ourselves, based on a certain accepted belief in society (or not accepted depending upon the source of the idea). If I continually hold onto the view of the three things about my experience with abuse that I felt to be wrong (emphasis on the "view" of it being "wrong") I subject myself to suffering, and the habit energy of "mine" never ceasing in the samsaric realm of birth, death, and the subsequent joys and pains associated with craving and desire.
Look into a conventional designation in terms of Kharma, or results of actions. Behind every action is a thought, behind every thought is volition, will and a view, behind every view is a habitualized relationship to an "I," a self, an entity, a soul existing separately from the source, that continually manifests experiences through the view of self and other, inside and outside, and all polarized extremes (i.e. Christian, non-Christian; Buddhist, non-Buddhist; friend, enemy).
What is not a conventional designation is that place which everything comes from, that thing which isn't a thing at all that unites us all, and is our intrinsic nature (in togetherness). Everything is consciousness as source, experiencing itself and nothing more. What we have been experiencing as life, really, is a delusion, an illusory concept of reality. Life cannot be contained within a concept, within a notion, within a thought, within an idea, an ideology (even the ones I am proposing now); life is far vaster than anything that can be materialized completely in one form, and yet it is all there in everything we can come in contact with.
What we have, and what we can develop is the expansiveness of our being. Having seen the darkness, the suffering, the joys in suffering--the delusion, the craving, and the stickiness to forms we release that which binds us to a material existence, one that in its very nature is impermanent. What unites us is intrinsically alive in its vastness, continually manifesting itself throughout the world of phenomena, the world we experience through our senses, our thoughts and our convictions. Life is too rare to be confined within a permanent idea of self, soul and other.
©2008 Brian Kimmel.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
IN LIGHT OF THE VIOLENCE OF THE NEWS: “The Ultimate is all there really is.”
Are there really more wars in the world than there has been? Are there really more terrorists, more bombings? It seems that the world has been picking at the same, festering wounds for ages. I don’t remember a time in my 28 years when there wasn’t a bombing somewhere. Whether or not there is more violence, fear, anger and hatred in the world now than there was ten, fifteen, twenty years or more ago seems irrelevant, what is important is to see the connection between the acts of violence and the seed of violence in our own consciousness, and the collective consciousness.
What someone is trying to do is water the seed of fear. Whether that watering happens from actions of our government, supposedly the most powerful and most influential in the world, whether it happens because of the terrorist, or people we see as terrorists who try to make their voices heard—one cannot deny the influence of fear upon the seed of fear within us. It occurs to me that those who commit atrocities do so because they believe or they have knowledge that fear is the ultimate, and that fear can motivate others to action—to more fear.
But to me, fear is like a candle blowing in the wind, it is lit one moment, and with a strong enough blow, it returns from where it came from. Fear is within; it is based upon one’s perception of reality, of what is really going on. And those in power, or those who want power, think that power is in fear, but they are wrong. Power is seeing clearly the results of one’s actions. Power is seeing through the terminal experiences of feelings and happenings in the mundane world. Power is touching something greater within us, that all of us are a part of. We are all united by a common source. Arriving into the remembrance of this unity is really the power that can liberate the world of violence, anger, hatred and fear. All of these feelings are but sensations of the mind and body, and they can do great damage if you let them.
In the face of fear, resist fear. Allow the mind and the body to relax into the comfort of the Ultimate Reality—this is the common source I talk about. Don’t allow the heart for a moment to be consumed. Turn off the T.V., put down the newspaper, step away from your computer and cellphone, and listen to the birds outside your window, stepping onto the soil, the earth, feel your connection to nature, feel the sun, feel the coolness (or the warmth) in the air.
We don’t have to fear. We are conditioned to fear. Let go of the need to fear, let go and surrender to the Ultimate. The Ultimate is a part of you. The Ultimate is a part of everything around you. The Ultimate is all there really is.
©2008 Brian Kimmel.
Monday, December 1, 2008
COMMIT TO SIT FOUR HOURS A DAY
There is something to fear about meditation. Meditation is getting to know the ultimate, the source of who you are. In that space, nothing is perfect, nothing is good enough—the drive, the motivation, the encouragement to keep going is supreme, and yet there must be a letting go, a surrendering to what is for perfection to be realized. The sound of one hand clapping, a falling tree in the forest without an ear around to hear it, all surpassed by the shadows that now spring forth. Those places that have been untouched, unseen, forgotten about and hidden and the faces of ourselves, our true selves appear, the masks we’ve worn, the faces of selfishness, greed, niceness and pleasures—all of them have been knock-offs of the real thing. Now seen, now experienced with every sound, every taste, every sensation of the mind and body amplified billions of times over depending how far one goes, how deep one sinks into the void. But the pleasure of it, the desire for it, and the return to it is far greater than any pleasure, any desire, any return—and so we make it, that journey over and over again until our journey is complete, and only until it is complete.
COMMIT TO SIT FOUR HOURS A DAY
You probably already sit four hours a day or more, but you don’t know that you are sitting. So, this month in time for your New Year’s Resolution commit to sit, when you are sitting be aware that you are sitting. Wherever you are sitting: On the toilet, in the car, on a chair in your office, on the sofa in front of the T.V. or on a meditation cushion or bench you can bring awareness to your seat. You may like to say to yourself immediately when you remember your commitment, and become aware that you remember, “Breathing in, I am aware that I am seated. Breathing out, I am aware that I am seated.”
STILLNESS
Ha! And in the times that you are seated on a cushion, a bench, the floor, or a chair for sitting meditation allow yourself the time to rest—no need to worry about whether you are doing it right, just do it, just be there. If you can become still in your body, as still as you can be without becoming rigid, this is a relaxed stillness, then your mind may be able to be still. Stillness does not mean not moving—just the opposite—stillness means movement, it means change, it means impermanence.
MOVEMENT
Sometimes in meditation you may be inclined to move, you may feel a tightness in your body, and your immediate reaction is to want to move that part of your body, to uncross your legs, circle your neck, or undue your gaze—do what you need to do to be comfortable before you settle into the meditation, fix your posture so that you can rest. And in this resting fix your mind on your breath, fix your mind on the phenomena of change—that everything is changing, and there is no need for manipulation of this change. This change happens regardless if we want it to or not.
Those who come to meditation may have come to unburden themselves from the harshness of this world, you may have come because you are suffering with guilt, with shame and are in despair. Or you may have come because you want a greater sense of happiness, a greater sense of freedom, a greater sense of love. So you come to meditation and you think meditation will change you, and it will. That is something to fear. Because the life we have been living is not enough, how can it ever be? The ultimate is such an expanse, and until you are aware of the ultimate in you, and expand your awareness and your capacity to be aware, you may never know the greatness that is you. This is not an intellectual feat, it is not an experience based on craving and desire.
Meditation is a complete annihilation of the world and of the life we know. And the more you become extinct, the greater opportunity you have in it, this world and everything in it becomes a field of merits, which can expound the universe through every breath. What is a movement of a leg or an arm in meditation, compared to the expansiveness of being the ultimate? Sometimes it is only habit energy. Sometimes it is only mind telling you it is bored, it is tired, it is craving a reaction, but stillness knows more.
BREATH
The breath becomes silent, unobstructed by our physical, mental and emotional holdings. The breath becomes a surveyor of the soul, a guide, a vehicle for transformation. Through this silence, this stillness, this becoming aware we graduate into the world of the unknown, and being there one has to continually nourish it, continually return, both in meditation and in daily life. Daily life must bring you to earth, and to step solidly on earth and penetrate with every step into the ultimate one step at a time.
©2008 Brian Kimmel.
A home-based meditation retreat for survivors of abuse and everyone will start Dec. 31 more details and registration available at briankimmel.com, call (702) 461-8422 or e-mail retreats@briankimmel.com.
COMMIT TO SIT FOUR HOURS A DAY
You probably already sit four hours a day or more, but you don’t know that you are sitting. So, this month in time for your New Year’s Resolution commit to sit, when you are sitting be aware that you are sitting. Wherever you are sitting: On the toilet, in the car, on a chair in your office, on the sofa in front of the T.V. or on a meditation cushion or bench you can bring awareness to your seat. You may like to say to yourself immediately when you remember your commitment, and become aware that you remember, “Breathing in, I am aware that I am seated. Breathing out, I am aware that I am seated.”
STILLNESS
Ha! And in the times that you are seated on a cushion, a bench, the floor, or a chair for sitting meditation allow yourself the time to rest—no need to worry about whether you are doing it right, just do it, just be there. If you can become still in your body, as still as you can be without becoming rigid, this is a relaxed stillness, then your mind may be able to be still. Stillness does not mean not moving—just the opposite—stillness means movement, it means change, it means impermanence.
MOVEMENT
Sometimes in meditation you may be inclined to move, you may feel a tightness in your body, and your immediate reaction is to want to move that part of your body, to uncross your legs, circle your neck, or undue your gaze—do what you need to do to be comfortable before you settle into the meditation, fix your posture so that you can rest. And in this resting fix your mind on your breath, fix your mind on the phenomena of change—that everything is changing, and there is no need for manipulation of this change. This change happens regardless if we want it to or not.
Those who come to meditation may have come to unburden themselves from the harshness of this world, you may have come because you are suffering with guilt, with shame and are in despair. Or you may have come because you want a greater sense of happiness, a greater sense of freedom, a greater sense of love. So you come to meditation and you think meditation will change you, and it will. That is something to fear. Because the life we have been living is not enough, how can it ever be? The ultimate is such an expanse, and until you are aware of the ultimate in you, and expand your awareness and your capacity to be aware, you may never know the greatness that is you. This is not an intellectual feat, it is not an experience based on craving and desire.
Meditation is a complete annihilation of the world and of the life we know. And the more you become extinct, the greater opportunity you have in it, this world and everything in it becomes a field of merits, which can expound the universe through every breath. What is a movement of a leg or an arm in meditation, compared to the expansiveness of being the ultimate? Sometimes it is only habit energy. Sometimes it is only mind telling you it is bored, it is tired, it is craving a reaction, but stillness knows more.
BREATH
The breath becomes silent, unobstructed by our physical, mental and emotional holdings. The breath becomes a surveyor of the soul, a guide, a vehicle for transformation. Through this silence, this stillness, this becoming aware we graduate into the world of the unknown, and being there one has to continually nourish it, continually return, both in meditation and in daily life. Daily life must bring you to earth, and to step solidly on earth and penetrate with every step into the ultimate one step at a time.
©2008 Brian Kimmel.
A home-based meditation retreat for survivors of abuse and everyone will start Dec. 31 more details and registration available at briankimmel.com, call (702) 461-8422 or e-mail retreats@briankimmel.com.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
GETTING READY FOR THE NEXT WORLD SUPER POWER, LOVE
You may or may not have noticed the new world order is already here. What the allies fought against in WWII was imported to the U.S. and into world view in a mask of Capitalism, Patriotism and the U.S.A. as World Super Power. What distinguishes friends from enemies now is a matter of view, and it has always been this way.
War is in us. This is a war we have created in our hearts, and is a war we promote through how we live our lives. The notions of good and bad, right and wrong, saintly and evil are all concepts of mind, constituents of consciousness.
What dominates us all is the reality of interdependence. We inter-are with all life, all elements of the cosmos are a part of us. When one of us is sick and despaired we are all affected by that illness. When one country goes to war with another country, that war is felt across the planet. It is not only human beings that are affected by war; all living beings (animals, plants and minerals) are affected by war. Violence, anger and hatred do not have the nature to win. Where there is violence, anger, and hatred someone or something loses. When one person or thing loses, everyone and everything loses.
The next great super power in the world will be the consciousness of love, peace and beauty—it already is. Love is the only power that unites. Love is inclusive, and accepts everyone. What goes on in each of our hearts is the conflict of the millennium. This conflict is the choice between perpetual suffering, and the liberation from suffering.
One of the most challenging occurrences for me was when my stepfather went to prison for sexually assaulting me. It was, of course, a crime that many thought deserved punishment. And at the time, he threatened to take our lives, and harassed many people who worked to convict him. The perplexing thing about the trial is that the trial wasn’t about whether or not my stepfather did do the things I said he did to me, it was about who was negligent.
My stepfather’s defense tried to prove that my mother was negligent, and therefore my stepfather was innocent. And in someway it was true. Mom did have the responsibility of caring for me, preventing harm coming to me, regardless of whether she knew that something was happening to me or not. The prosecuting attorney representing me in the case then tried to convince the court, through my mother’s testimony that she was a battered wife, was not able to care for me, and entrusted me in the care of my stepfather who made it seem through his continued threats toward her in their marriage that she was to blame for everything, and that he was more trustworthy to care for me than was she.
I also saw that mom and my former stepfather had grown up in a society in which violence (physical, emotional or other) against women and children was not a crime. Battering of women was all too common even after WWII. Into my mother’s generation there were no laws determining public persecution for a husband who beat or raped his wife, and a father or mother who beat their children. What defined appropriate and inappropriate in families changed as my parents’ generation fought for woman’s rights, and as their generation had children and started families of their own. But still the challenges and the violence continued.
I had the choice not to send my stepfather to prison, and not to testify. But I chose to testify because he threatened our lives and he was liable to do it again with another family. (He already was romantically involved with a woman who had a three-year old son who lived down the street from us while my mother and he were still married, through the trial and continued the relationship while he was in prison). My conviction and my mission in offering a testimony were to “save other children from experiencing what I experienced.”
The prosecutor told me that my testimony would help other children, because it would help legislators in the state, and in the country to better protect children, and to safeguard them in the event that they had to go to trial. My testimony was one of the last in the state in which children were allowed to testify in an open courtroom.
The day I spoke in trial, the courtroom was filled with a jury, the judge, court hands, lawyers, my family, my stepfather and his family and other people I didn’t even know. I was twelve years old. Even though I had to testify I didn’t really want my stepfather to go to prison. I loved him. We had a lot of struggles with each other, but he had entered my life, and he was one of the people I was closest to at the time. His assaults, no matter how ugly and painful they were, felt like love to me.
I didn’t get the full response to my inner convictions (that I loved him) until he was convicted and we attended the hearing for his sentencing. He walked into the room, filled by only a dozen or so family members of both sides, wearing a neon orange prison suit and chains around his arms and legs. Word had seeped out from inmates to guards at the county jail where he was detained that he planned to escape. A large group of his friends planned to ambush the guards as they transported him from the county jail to the courthouse for sentencing. The sentencing was moved to the jail in order to prevent the ambush. And the mob of his friends were resolved to stand outside in the lobby and watch the sentencing on a live T.V. monitor.
What convicted him? Was it me? Was it the courts? Was it the jury? Did he convict himself? Or was it the collective—everyone who participated in the trial, both the defense and the prosecution, and the collective view of our society?
I can’t be for sure what happened in my stepfather’s mind the day he was convicted and the day he was sentenced for his crimes. His name is Greg. He is a human being. He is not a monster. He has a heart just like the rest of us. He has anger, pride and thoughts of violence. He has blame, guilt and shame. He even has joy, happiness and the ability to listen deeply to relieve suffering somewhere in his consciousness.
What dominates society is a lack of responsibility for the “freedoms” we would like to impose onto others. Freedom, true freedom can only be with responsibility, to become responsible for our thoughts, our words, our actions, and to transform unskillful states of mind and nurture states of mind that promote forgiveness, deep listening, understanding and reconciliation. Love unites. Love is the only power that wins. Where there is love there is community, there is togetherness, there is life, there is peace and there is beauty.
I don’t believe the war on terror or any wars will end unless the conflict in one’s heart is reconciled. This is a war between views, a war with our true nature and an illusory concept of self. Peace happens when love is visible with the naked eye. Peace happens when there is a release from sorrows, from arrogance, and from the views of right and wrong, good and bad, saintly and evil.
A president cannot save the people of a country, of the planet or of the world alone. It takes all of us, each individual working as a collective to transform the violence, hatred and anger in our very own life and to become a vehicle of liberation and peace. Most important is to listen deeply to oneself, to take time out, to turn off the T.V., the radio, the computer, and conversations. To be there, both body and mind together. To become free right where you are as you are.
When you are free, present in your body and mind, then you are better able to listen deeply to the cries of those who are in need, and that may very well be yourself, the ways you suffer and create suffering. When you are free you are free from the grips of anxiety, depression and despair. And you have surrendered your heart to becoming more aware of the hardships you have created by your views, and the hardships others have created by their views.
The next world super power is love, and it is already here.
©2008 Brian Kimmel
War is in us. This is a war we have created in our hearts, and is a war we promote through how we live our lives. The notions of good and bad, right and wrong, saintly and evil are all concepts of mind, constituents of consciousness.
What dominates us all is the reality of interdependence. We inter-are with all life, all elements of the cosmos are a part of us. When one of us is sick and despaired we are all affected by that illness. When one country goes to war with another country, that war is felt across the planet. It is not only human beings that are affected by war; all living beings (animals, plants and minerals) are affected by war. Violence, anger and hatred do not have the nature to win. Where there is violence, anger, and hatred someone or something loses. When one person or thing loses, everyone and everything loses.
The next great super power in the world will be the consciousness of love, peace and beauty—it already is. Love is the only power that unites. Love is inclusive, and accepts everyone. What goes on in each of our hearts is the conflict of the millennium. This conflict is the choice between perpetual suffering, and the liberation from suffering.
One of the most challenging occurrences for me was when my stepfather went to prison for sexually assaulting me. It was, of course, a crime that many thought deserved punishment. And at the time, he threatened to take our lives, and harassed many people who worked to convict him. The perplexing thing about the trial is that the trial wasn’t about whether or not my stepfather did do the things I said he did to me, it was about who was negligent.
My stepfather’s defense tried to prove that my mother was negligent, and therefore my stepfather was innocent. And in someway it was true. Mom did have the responsibility of caring for me, preventing harm coming to me, regardless of whether she knew that something was happening to me or not. The prosecuting attorney representing me in the case then tried to convince the court, through my mother’s testimony that she was a battered wife, was not able to care for me, and entrusted me in the care of my stepfather who made it seem through his continued threats toward her in their marriage that she was to blame for everything, and that he was more trustworthy to care for me than was she.
I also saw that mom and my former stepfather had grown up in a society in which violence (physical, emotional or other) against women and children was not a crime. Battering of women was all too common even after WWII. Into my mother’s generation there were no laws determining public persecution for a husband who beat or raped his wife, and a father or mother who beat their children. What defined appropriate and inappropriate in families changed as my parents’ generation fought for woman’s rights, and as their generation had children and started families of their own. But still the challenges and the violence continued.
I had the choice not to send my stepfather to prison, and not to testify. But I chose to testify because he threatened our lives and he was liable to do it again with another family. (He already was romantically involved with a woman who had a three-year old son who lived down the street from us while my mother and he were still married, through the trial and continued the relationship while he was in prison). My conviction and my mission in offering a testimony were to “save other children from experiencing what I experienced.”
The prosecutor told me that my testimony would help other children, because it would help legislators in the state, and in the country to better protect children, and to safeguard them in the event that they had to go to trial. My testimony was one of the last in the state in which children were allowed to testify in an open courtroom.
The day I spoke in trial, the courtroom was filled with a jury, the judge, court hands, lawyers, my family, my stepfather and his family and other people I didn’t even know. I was twelve years old. Even though I had to testify I didn’t really want my stepfather to go to prison. I loved him. We had a lot of struggles with each other, but he had entered my life, and he was one of the people I was closest to at the time. His assaults, no matter how ugly and painful they were, felt like love to me.
I didn’t get the full response to my inner convictions (that I loved him) until he was convicted and we attended the hearing for his sentencing. He walked into the room, filled by only a dozen or so family members of both sides, wearing a neon orange prison suit and chains around his arms and legs. Word had seeped out from inmates to guards at the county jail where he was detained that he planned to escape. A large group of his friends planned to ambush the guards as they transported him from the county jail to the courthouse for sentencing. The sentencing was moved to the jail in order to prevent the ambush. And the mob of his friends were resolved to stand outside in the lobby and watch the sentencing on a live T.V. monitor.
What convicted him? Was it me? Was it the courts? Was it the jury? Did he convict himself? Or was it the collective—everyone who participated in the trial, both the defense and the prosecution, and the collective view of our society?
I can’t be for sure what happened in my stepfather’s mind the day he was convicted and the day he was sentenced for his crimes. His name is Greg. He is a human being. He is not a monster. He has a heart just like the rest of us. He has anger, pride and thoughts of violence. He has blame, guilt and shame. He even has joy, happiness and the ability to listen deeply to relieve suffering somewhere in his consciousness.
What dominates society is a lack of responsibility for the “freedoms” we would like to impose onto others. Freedom, true freedom can only be with responsibility, to become responsible for our thoughts, our words, our actions, and to transform unskillful states of mind and nurture states of mind that promote forgiveness, deep listening, understanding and reconciliation. Love unites. Love is the only power that wins. Where there is love there is community, there is togetherness, there is life, there is peace and there is beauty.
I don’t believe the war on terror or any wars will end unless the conflict in one’s heart is reconciled. This is a war between views, a war with our true nature and an illusory concept of self. Peace happens when love is visible with the naked eye. Peace happens when there is a release from sorrows, from arrogance, and from the views of right and wrong, good and bad, saintly and evil.
A president cannot save the people of a country, of the planet or of the world alone. It takes all of us, each individual working as a collective to transform the violence, hatred and anger in our very own life and to become a vehicle of liberation and peace. Most important is to listen deeply to oneself, to take time out, to turn off the T.V., the radio, the computer, and conversations. To be there, both body and mind together. To become free right where you are as you are.
When you are free, present in your body and mind, then you are better able to listen deeply to the cries of those who are in need, and that may very well be yourself, the ways you suffer and create suffering. When you are free you are free from the grips of anxiety, depression and despair. And you have surrendered your heart to becoming more aware of the hardships you have created by your views, and the hardships others have created by their views.
The next world super power is love, and it is already here.
©2008 Brian Kimmel
Monday, September 22, 2008
YOUR TRUE NATURE IS LOVE
Dear Friends,
The unfortunate consequence of the war against terror is that it is a war against ourselves. The anger, hatred and violence in the world is due to the anger, hatred and violence in our very life. On the path of love and healing means on the path of transforming unwholesome actions of body, speech and mind, into gardens of forgiveness, forbearance and listening deeply to help relieve suffering.
One thing my mentor, Sister Susan, had said to me long ago, "Brian, you've got to make yourself happy. You have all the tools that you have learned: walking meditation, stopping, looking deeply, cradling the little child within you, in order to not be overwhelmed by sorrow, despair, anger, you've got to put into practice everything you have learned."
It is a challenge with everything going on to not fall ill, to not fall into that place of shame and guilt and sorrows. Come back home to yourself, your true nature is love. Having compassion for others does not mean suffering with them. Having compassion means that you are taking good care of your own emotions, and that you send your energy, your transformation to those in need. When you have compassion, true compassion, your sending of energy is also receiving of energy. True compassion liberates us from suffering, from unwholesome states of mind and body.
The object of the practice is to be free where you are, to notice, and to cultivate the freedom that is in your heart. This freedom comes through taking responsibility for your actions, your thoughts, your words. This freedom comes from letting go of views that separate you, that isolate others and yourself, and prevent love and communication from growing.
My extended family was torn apart by sexual misconduct and abuse. For many years I have wanted my family to come back together. There are those who just want to forget about their siblings, who want nothing to do with their children. And I have struggled in the past with despair over these occurrences. Still today I find it challenging to discern what my role is. My duty is not to take sides, but to observe, and to practice wholeheartedly, to make sure that I am peaceful, calm and live with clarity of mind. I want to be firm and solid in myself, not easily overcome by despair and anger and anxiety. I want to be free where I am. That's why I am offering this blog, and am writing a book about my experiences.
This November I will be leading a retreat in Las Vegas for Survivors and Everyone who wishes to attend in order to look at the ways we have been victims of abuse, but also to see our connection to the violence, hatred and discrimination in the world. The nature of this retreat is very light, very welcoming, and very much at ease. We want to promote peace in one's daily life. We want to promote peaceful healing. This can only be done in an atmosphere of loving-kindness, through listening deeply and using loving speech.
For more information about the retreat held NOV 21-23, 2008 please e-mail me at brian@briankimmel.com or call (702) 461-8422. Thank you.
The unfortunate consequence of the war against terror is that it is a war against ourselves. The anger, hatred and violence in the world is due to the anger, hatred and violence in our very life. On the path of love and healing means on the path of transforming unwholesome actions of body, speech and mind, into gardens of forgiveness, forbearance and listening deeply to help relieve suffering.
One thing my mentor, Sister Susan, had said to me long ago, "Brian, you've got to make yourself happy. You have all the tools that you have learned: walking meditation, stopping, looking deeply, cradling the little child within you, in order to not be overwhelmed by sorrow, despair, anger, you've got to put into practice everything you have learned."
It is a challenge with everything going on to not fall ill, to not fall into that place of shame and guilt and sorrows. Come back home to yourself, your true nature is love. Having compassion for others does not mean suffering with them. Having compassion means that you are taking good care of your own emotions, and that you send your energy, your transformation to those in need. When you have compassion, true compassion, your sending of energy is also receiving of energy. True compassion liberates us from suffering, from unwholesome states of mind and body.
The object of the practice is to be free where you are, to notice, and to cultivate the freedom that is in your heart. This freedom comes through taking responsibility for your actions, your thoughts, your words. This freedom comes from letting go of views that separate you, that isolate others and yourself, and prevent love and communication from growing.
My extended family was torn apart by sexual misconduct and abuse. For many years I have wanted my family to come back together. There are those who just want to forget about their siblings, who want nothing to do with their children. And I have struggled in the past with despair over these occurrences. Still today I find it challenging to discern what my role is. My duty is not to take sides, but to observe, and to practice wholeheartedly, to make sure that I am peaceful, calm and live with clarity of mind. I want to be firm and solid in myself, not easily overcome by despair and anger and anxiety. I want to be free where I am. That's why I am offering this blog, and am writing a book about my experiences.
This November I will be leading a retreat in Las Vegas for Survivors and Everyone who wishes to attend in order to look at the ways we have been victims of abuse, but also to see our connection to the violence, hatred and discrimination in the world. The nature of this retreat is very light, very welcoming, and very much at ease. We want to promote peace in one's daily life. We want to promote peaceful healing. This can only be done in an atmosphere of loving-kindness, through listening deeply and using loving speech.
For more information about the retreat held NOV 21-23, 2008 please e-mail me at brian@briankimmel.com or call (702) 461-8422. Thank you.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
THE CANDIDATE I SUPPORT AND WHY
Two things on my mind lately are...the health and well-being of our society especially future generations who are not yet able to vote, and my book (the message behind it) on a peaceful recovery from sexual child abuse.
Joe Biden's, “Violence Against Women Act,” signed into public law by President Bill Clinton in 1994 could have saved me if it had been enacted seven years prior, when my mother first started being beaten by my former stepfather. Had it been a crime, then, mom may have had more courage, and the support of lawmakers to bring her and her family into safety. Instead, the abuses continued, and it continued with me. For many years I was witness to my mother's beatings, and in private I was raped and emotionally tormented by my stepfather.
Barack Obama, my pick to be our next president voted for a bill, so I hear, to get age-appropriate sex-education for K-12 into public schools. I didn't receive the education about unsafe touch until I was in third grade, when I was eight years old. What my teacher taught us was unspecific, and had to do with strangers who might abduct us at school and in no way educated us on our feelings sexually, and I did have sexual feelings at the time. It was the age my stepfather started his assaults on me, even though his harassment had begun when we first moved in with him when I was five years old. The fear and violence of the household made it very challenging to determine that anything was wrong. You see, that's how violence happens, abuses happen, and keep happening. There is a sort of trickery, a sort of distortion of reality that goes on. The reality becomes the abuse, the abuse becomes the norm, and the violence is allowed to go on and on and on.
In my case it didn't end until sixth grade when I finally received sex-education and I told mom that I had been abused. None of my parents wanted to talk to me about sex. How could they? We have made sex and sexuality such a forbidden subject, yet big corporations use it in advertising in order to manipulate us into getting us to buy buy buy. And it's a sure win almost every time. We know the power of sex in our lives; it's how we all got here (unless you are a worm or a one-cell organism). My thought, just as it is Obama's is that the people of theU.S.A.
Shame, guilt and fear are exercised too much in our country, and it has been under the Bush Administration, and under the influence of extremists pushing their view of reality on the collective. We all have extreme views over things, and that's why we need leaders that will allow our free expressions, and will voice themselves with intelligence, insight and loving-kindness against acts that indiscriminately violate our constitutional rights under common law, and under the laws of our constitutional amendments.
Joe Biden's, “Violence Against Women Act,” signed into public law by President Bill Clinton in 1994 could have saved me if it had been enacted seven years prior, when my mother first started being beaten by my former stepfather. Had it been a crime, then, mom may have had more courage, and the support of lawmakers to bring her and her family into safety. Instead, the abuses continued, and it continued with me. For many years I was witness to my mother's beatings, and in private I was raped and emotionally tormented by my stepfather.
Barack Obama, my pick to be our next president voted for a bill, so I hear, to get age-appropriate sex-education for K-12 into public schools. I didn't receive the education about unsafe touch until I was in third grade, when I was eight years old. What my teacher taught us was unspecific, and had to do with strangers who might abduct us at school and in no way educated us on our feelings sexually, and I did have sexual feelings at the time. It was the age my stepfather started his assaults on me, even though his harassment had begun when we first moved in with him when I was five years old. The fear and violence of the household made it very challenging to determine that anything was wrong. You see, that's how violence happens, abuses happen, and keep happening. There is a sort of trickery, a sort of distortion of reality that goes on. The reality becomes the abuse, the abuse becomes the norm, and the violence is allowed to go on and on and on.
In my case it didn't end until sixth grade when I finally received sex-education and I told mom that I had been abused. None of my parents wanted to talk to me about sex. How could they? We have made sex and sexuality such a forbidden subject, yet big corporations use it in advertising in order to manipulate us into getting us to buy buy buy. And it's a sure win almost every time. We know the power of sex in our lives; it's how we all got here (unless you are a worm or a one-cell organism). My thought, just as it is Obama's is that the people of the
Shame, guilt and fear are exercised too much in our country, and it has been under the Bush Administration, and under the influence of extremists pushing their view of reality on the collective. We all have extreme views over things, and that's why we need leaders that will allow our free expressions, and will voice themselves with intelligence, insight and loving-kindness against acts that indiscriminately violate our constitutional rights under common law, and under the laws of our constitutional amendments.
We need leaders who will be able to share, to listen, and to work together with other countries in order to empower and motivate our own. The only way to end the wars in the world is to build bridges of solidarity, brotherly-sisterly love, compassion (listening to the suffering of others and ourselves) and letting go of the views that make us separate, make us fight, make us angry and hurt inside.
I want leaders in this country who will end war. Who will make peace and begin to reverse the destruction we have caused the planet. Prevent the drilling of the arctic, and other sacred, pristine places that define the integrity and preciousness of life, in which we claim to defend. Invest in innovative plans to make our country interdependent with other nations, not independent. Because independent is more of the same, is lies, is corruption of our very nature. We depend on all life-forms: Plant, mineral, animal and vegetal for our well-being, for our life.
Some may think, “I don’t even vote—it’s between the lesser of two evils.” Yes, indeed it is, but please, I beg of you, VOTE! People have suffered, and have died for the right to vote—women and men of all shapes, sizes, ages, ancestry and creeds throughout history. Your vote does count. The lesser of two evils is the path on the right direction. No one can rule our heart. But we can listen. And we can help those in leadership positions to listen too.
I want leaders in this country who will end war. Who will make peace and begin to reverse the destruction we have caused the planet. Prevent the drilling of the arctic, and other sacred, pristine places that define the integrity and preciousness of life, in which we claim to defend. Invest in innovative plans to make our country interdependent with other nations, not independent. Because independent is more of the same, is lies, is corruption of our very nature. We depend on all life-forms: Plant, mineral, animal and vegetal for our well-being, for our life.
Some may think, “I don’t even vote—it’s between the lesser of two evils.” Yes, indeed it is, but please, I beg of you, VOTE! People have suffered, and have died for the right to vote—women and men of all shapes, sizes, ages, ancestry and creeds throughout history. Your vote does count. The lesser of two evils is the path on the right direction. No one can rule our heart. But we can listen. And we can help those in leadership positions to listen too.
No candidate is going to be perfect, no country is going to be perfect, and none of us are going to be perfect either. It depends on what your “perfect” is. If your “perfect” is working toward freedom, responsibility and liberty for all, who is the candidate for you? If your “perfect” is working toward love, harmony and beauty who is the candidate for you? That is the question.
I’ve already told you my answer.Tuesday, September 2, 2008
A PEACEFUL RECOVERY
The one thing I have noticed being a survivor and hearing the stories of other survivors, is there is a link between us and many other people who live with the idea that they should be quiet, that they should shut up, that they should not share completely what is on their heart. Fear of not being liked, fear of saying too much, fear of not being heard, these are complications that exist in many people, and it is an ill of our society.
If we are truly to overcome the painful feelings and experiences that we have lived through, then we are to shatter the belief that we are not good enough, exactly as we are. Everything that has happened to you was meant to be. My mother believed that to be true of our situation with my ex-stepfather Greg. And I believe it to be somewhat true myself. No matter how many times we may bust through our limitations, no matter how many intentions we set, and no matter how much bad Karma we have burned, there seems to be the lingering way of the collective that sometimes dominates our reality.
But when you are a practitioner of the Way, and when you seek refuge in the heart of awakening within, life and its circumstances become less of an obstacle and more of a training ground. We meet our life’s journey with a sort of hesitance now. And we can learn to meet our life’s journey, instead, with faith, with gratitude, and with determination.
We can instill faith in the power of love to guide us. We can instill faith in our ability to come through hardship with more strength, more wisdom, and with the capacity to reveal ourselves with humility, severing our commitments to egoistic desires. As survivors we are to become authentic human beings who meet the challenges of our present day and age with the courage to look beyond our differences, and to shine in our diversity.
We are to become leaders who have fought through the darkness, who have surrendered, and who have given in to the light, the love, the good in everyone. To be awake and aware is truly the gift we have been given by our abusers, and by our society. Without the hardships we have faced, without the turmoil, the pains of being abused, we may not have known this treasure that lives within us, and in every living being.
We have the ability to transcend experiences of the past, present and future. We have the ability to co-create the world we live in. And we have the ability to re-shape our lives just by the way we think, by the way we relate to what we have experienced.
Our life is no longer a battlefield. We may be involved in the many wars in our lifetime, politically, socially and economically. But the greatest war we may have to fight is the war against our anger, our greed, our own divisiveness, our arrogance, and our need to be a victim and to name all the people and things that have perpetrated us.
To be a peacemaker, to have a peaceful recovery, we must face the war within. And we must end that war, and allow the kindness within our heart to dominate. We must allow ourselves to reconcile with the parts of us we have denied, and the parts of others we may refuse to see: Their love, their kindness, their gratitude, and even their despair.
Those we see as our enemies, they are just like us, fighting a war they may not win in this lifetime. They have anger. They have pride. They have greed. They have disappointments. And one time in their life, they may have loved someone with all their heart, and that person may have denied their love, and they may have suffered greatly because of it. They may not have been able to cope with that loss, that denial. And so they let their pain overcome them, their anger won. And they in turn sought revenge through victimizing others. And while victimizing others, their pain, their anger, their hurt and despair increased, and their compulsion became a habit, one which may be very challenging to break.
We all have the potential of abusing others. And we are, right now, a part of a web that co-creates violence, discrimination, and hatred in the world. If we cannot take hold of our emotions, of our bodies, of our minds, and make peace with the parts of ourselves that want to go to war with everything and everyone we have chosen to be an enemy of, we become a perpetrator too. That “evil” is inside of you. That “evil” is a little seed or a big seed in your consciousness, in everyone’s consciousness. It only takes a little watering for that seed to grow. And with more watering, that seed can sprout, and grow bigger and bigger within in us until we cannot hide from it, and we cannot hide it from others.
My wish is to be a peaceful healer, and to have a peaceful recovery with memories of sexual child abuse. My wish is for all those who are survivors, and all those out there who feel they cannot be heard, to be heard. First, listen to yourself. Listen deeply to the story your body, your mind, your heart is telling you. Listen deeply and ask of it to share everything it has to share. Become a friend, a best friend to yourself. That is the Way. That is the love I am talking about.
Survivors and all people can have this love. It is possible. Love is possible for everyone.
In Gratitude for You,
Brian
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
BEING AMERICAN, BEING GAY, BEING A SURVIVOR OF ABUSE
What makes us survivors? Is it not on the same lines as what makes "gays" gay? I'm gay, and I'm a survivor of sexual child abuse. I'm an American, too. Sometimes it helps to say that I am these things, because it has been challenging, or it is challenging at times to be these things.
I've had a lot of anger towards the gay community, have had anger against Americans (even though I am one) and have had anger for survivors of abuse (I have always considered myself a pro-survivor). All of this being said anger has played a large role in my recovery, whether I do recover, or don't recover. Anger has been linked, not just to my frustration, but to my sadness, to my regrets...I think, "Why do I have to say I'm gay? Why do I have to say I was abused by my stepfather? Why do I have to commit to the nation of my birth?"
I don't always agree with the community at large, even though I am part of that community. I have chosen this road, and I have also been presented with this "choice" through my circumstances. It's hard to admit, first, the truth of what I am in this body, in this life, the truth of what happened to me as child, and the truth of how I've conducted my life post.
I have had hatred in my heart for parts of myself, and when I see others that portray certain characteristics about myself (I'm a little femme) I become hateful of them too. This hate, this anger eats away at my heart. I resist these titles, and in doing so, I feel there is a part of myself that I resist. To truly accept myself without being caught in myself, or my idea of self (because I'm Buddhist and don't agree with a separate self) that is my personal challenge, that is my Karma if you will. That is my journey of recovery, recovering the beauty of my heart: Love, preciousness, freedom and responsibility.
I have a responsibility to my country, and to the people I accept as lovers. I have a responsibility to other survivors, because I have survived. This journey as a survivor is one that I can share with others, and when I share my experiences, my triumphs, and my challenges I feel nourished, and I believe I nourish other survivors and friends of survivors too.
The heart can grow cold. When the heart grows cold with anger, hatred and violence, the habit and the energy of abuse continues in oneself, and in society. Love, Truth and Beauty is the reality of an open heart, an open mind, and a body that breathes life and recovery for the benefit of all. For me, it's more than just agree or disagree it is about what creates more or less suffering. It is inevitable: there will be some pains in life, some hurts, some separation, and something that may cause ill-being. Anger doesn't help anyone. Fear, prejudice, doesn't help anything. But love, love heals all wounds.
When there is love, there is deep-listening, there is openness, honesty, and vulnerability. Being able to show our strengths and our weakness, that is being human.Thank you to everyone for listening, and for sharing your heartfelt sentiments. Keep Thriving!
I've had a lot of anger towards the gay community, have had anger against Americans (even though I am one) and have had anger for survivors of abuse (I have always considered myself a pro-survivor). All of this being said anger has played a large role in my recovery, whether I do recover, or don't recover. Anger has been linked, not just to my frustration, but to my sadness, to my regrets...I think, "Why do I have to say I'm gay? Why do I have to say I was abused by my stepfather? Why do I have to commit to the nation of my birth?"
I don't always agree with the community at large, even though I am part of that community. I have chosen this road, and I have also been presented with this "choice" through my circumstances. It's hard to admit, first, the truth of what I am in this body, in this life, the truth of what happened to me as child, and the truth of how I've conducted my life post.
I have had hatred in my heart for parts of myself, and when I see others that portray certain characteristics about myself (I'm a little femme) I become hateful of them too. This hate, this anger eats away at my heart. I resist these titles, and in doing so, I feel there is a part of myself that I resist. To truly accept myself without being caught in myself, or my idea of self (because I'm Buddhist and don't agree with a separate self) that is my personal challenge, that is my Karma if you will. That is my journey of recovery, recovering the beauty of my heart: Love, preciousness, freedom and responsibility.
I have a responsibility to my country, and to the people I accept as lovers. I have a responsibility to other survivors, because I have survived. This journey as a survivor is one that I can share with others, and when I share my experiences, my triumphs, and my challenges I feel nourished, and I believe I nourish other survivors and friends of survivors too.
The heart can grow cold. When the heart grows cold with anger, hatred and violence, the habit and the energy of abuse continues in oneself, and in society. Love, Truth and Beauty is the reality of an open heart, an open mind, and a body that breathes life and recovery for the benefit of all. For me, it's more than just agree or disagree it is about what creates more or less suffering. It is inevitable: there will be some pains in life, some hurts, some separation, and something that may cause ill-being. Anger doesn't help anyone. Fear, prejudice, doesn't help anything. But love, love heals all wounds.
When there is love, there is deep-listening, there is openness, honesty, and vulnerability. Being able to show our strengths and our weakness, that is being human.Thank you to everyone for listening, and for sharing your heartfelt sentiments. Keep Thriving!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
DARN-IT, SING!
What you need to know is that your voice is all your own. It doesn’t have to sound “good” but it can feel good. No one can be taught how to sing. We were made to sing!
Many people have said, or have been told, “I can’t sing. Well, tone-deaf may be a possibility, but that doesn’t mean you can’t sing, and that you don’t have a voice, or can’t voice the song and the music that is in your heart. If you can talk, you can sing. So, darn-it,
SPECIAL EVENT FIRST TWO SATURDAYS:
SING, RELEASE!
Journey to Discover Your Authentic Singing Voice
Blue Sky Yoga /
First Two Saturdays of September & October - $15 accepted at door.
Sept. 06 – Finding “Your Voice”
Sept. 13 – Divine Presence
Oct. 04 – Stage Fright
Oct. 11 – Let the Music Breathe
No Experience Needed
Have you ever wanted to sing? Come discover the hidden musical gems within you. There will be guided meditations, and even a performance by the facilitator.
Brian is a local pianist, composer, and vocal artist. He will blend all of his unique talents together to guide participants in what will sure to be a wonderfully blissful and transformational event, sure to be remembered.
Contacts: brian@briankimmel.com
Directions:
Blue Sky Yoga, Inside the Arts Factory
101
(702) 592-1396 / http://www.blueskyyogalv.com/
Sunday, July 13, 2008
FIRST, LOVE
I remember the days preceding the trial. A little, frail, twelve year old boy. My parents, family friends, and even my counselors recommended for me to get angry. For me to scream, and throw a fit. To punch a punching bag, beat pillows, and let all that anger go.
I didn't follow their instruction. I was too scared to let my anger go. And it indeed, affected my health. Depression, anxiety, rage, thoughts and acts toward suicide. It's terrible really, the results of our actions.
I can imagine my perpetrator as a twelve year old boy. The anger and hatred in him was most likely severe. By the way he treated me, my mother, and other family members I knew, even as I was a little boy, that his anger must have been growing for a long, long time.
First, love, develop compassion. There is no need to "get angry" really. A need to acknowledge anger, yes. A need to deal with anger, certainly. The way one deals with anger, though, may differ.
I was privvy to acting out with rage as a child. Even before the trial, before I even told anyone about the abuse I was tearing apart my room, getting into fits of rage. I couldn't help it! I didn't know what else to do. "Getting it all out" didn't feel like I got anything out.
When I discovered mindful breathing, that is what really helped. I became aware of my anger.
Aware of anger as I breathe in.
Aware of anger as I breathe out.
Aware of how anger makes me feel in my body, I breathe in.
Aware of how anger makes me feel in my body, I breathe out.
The awareness is the first step in truly loving ourselves. Awareness, not so much the doing. It is the non-doing, the stopping, the taking stock of what is there. Then, that moment is real. That moment reveals itself. What are the lessons to be learned?
First, love. First become aware. When you are aware, then you may have a better sense of what is there. And when you know what is there, then you will know what it is that you need help with, and how others may be able to help you.
First, love. Become aware. And the wonders of life will reveal themselves.
I didn't follow their instruction. I was too scared to let my anger go. And it indeed, affected my health. Depression, anxiety, rage, thoughts and acts toward suicide. It's terrible really, the results of our actions.
I can imagine my perpetrator as a twelve year old boy. The anger and hatred in him was most likely severe. By the way he treated me, my mother, and other family members I knew, even as I was a little boy, that his anger must have been growing for a long, long time.
First, love, develop compassion. There is no need to "get angry" really. A need to acknowledge anger, yes. A need to deal with anger, certainly. The way one deals with anger, though, may differ.
I was privvy to acting out with rage as a child. Even before the trial, before I even told anyone about the abuse I was tearing apart my room, getting into fits of rage. I couldn't help it! I didn't know what else to do. "Getting it all out" didn't feel like I got anything out.
When I discovered mindful breathing, that is what really helped. I became aware of my anger.
Aware of anger as I breathe in.
Aware of anger as I breathe out.
Aware of how anger makes me feel in my body, I breathe in.
Aware of how anger makes me feel in my body, I breathe out.
The awareness is the first step in truly loving ourselves. Awareness, not so much the doing. It is the non-doing, the stopping, the taking stock of what is there. Then, that moment is real. That moment reveals itself. What are the lessons to be learned?
First, love. First become aware. When you are aware, then you may have a better sense of what is there. And when you know what is there, then you will know what it is that you need help with, and how others may be able to help you.
First, love. Become aware. And the wonders of life will reveal themselves.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
LIFE IS A BODY FILLED WITH MUSIC
I started writing songs when I was nine or ten. They were simple themes with the intention to make them into musicals. I would often write story lines along with them. It's curious to see how my relationship with music and writing has come along. I've watched the desire from being so intense, so deliberate when I was growing up. Every chance to be on stage--I took it. There were times we'd go to the store, Dad and sis and me, in Dad's pick up. Right when we'd get out of the truck, I'd hop in the bed of the truck and start singing at the top of my lungs, I'd whale and flail my arms about as if I were in a Broadway show. You can imagine how my Dad and Sister felt. Sister often walked off as if she didn't know me (which was the case most of the time we were together). And Dad often persuaded me to get down, and stop making a scene. But I was uncontrollable, then. To a certain extent I am still uncontrollable now. And that spirit is wonderful for songwriting. Especially when the songs are used for motivating others toward positive change--social change, personal change makes little difference.
Music affects our lives, the way we think, the way we act. Almost immediately, we can feel the way the music we are hearing is affecting us. To be honest, I don't listen to recorded music very much. I enjoy the singing of birds, the sound of the wind in the palms, even the whir of electricity running through the house. It's all music. It all puts out its own vibration. Every living organism has its own vibration. Plants, animals and minerals. And each of us has our own song. That song we sing goes with us wherever we go. It changes too. As we grow old, our song refines. And as we are passing, our song leaves our body. Death is a body without a song. Life is a body filled with music.
Listen, and you will hear it. The song of your heart. The rythmn of your soul. Wonderful!
Music affects our lives, the way we think, the way we act. Almost immediately, we can feel the way the music we are hearing is affecting us. To be honest, I don't listen to recorded music very much. I enjoy the singing of birds, the sound of the wind in the palms, even the whir of electricity running through the house. It's all music. It all puts out its own vibration. Every living organism has its own vibration. Plants, animals and minerals. And each of us has our own song. That song we sing goes with us wherever we go. It changes too. As we grow old, our song refines. And as we are passing, our song leaves our body. Death is a body without a song. Life is a body filled with music.
Listen, and you will hear it. The song of your heart. The rythmn of your soul. Wonderful!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
A LETTER TO MALE SURVIVORS
Dear Brothers,
My name is Brian. I came from childhood abuse. But I am more than that. The one thing I was afraid of after my stepfather came into my bedroom was that what he did would make me gay. I am gay. It's hard to say those words. I've spent so much of my life trying to convince myself otherwise.
Sex and sexuality has been made a forbidden subject in our society. We do it. We see it in advertisements, and on movies, in magazines, and in our relationships. But we don't talk about it. We don't really talk about it. It's not just the talking about sex that has been forbidden, it is the deep looking into it, the surveying of it in our heart, in our body, and in our consciousness. It's this reluctance to get in touch with how we are affecting the world with our views and actions in regards to sex and sexuality.
It may not be extreme to say that most of us, if not all of us, survivors and non-survivors alike of any gender and nationality, have contributed to the misuse and abuse of sex and sexuality. I don't mean so much how we treat others (how we treat others does matter too and affects us and our life) I mean to say that each of us are creating more pain, more hardship, more corruption of this energy.
Sex is energy. We use energy for many things. Sex in our culture has been used to gain power over our thoughts and our actions. Advertisements built by consumerist, capitalistic giants use sex to empower their message: Buy, Buy, Buy. And we are committed, through our actions of body, speech and mind, to servicing their desire for money, power and possession of one of the world's most precious, most valuable resources: The Human Mind.
We are trained from a very young age in habitual responses. Men who love women see movies where beautiful women are saved and caressed by studly, handsome, physically sculpted males, and the men may feel aroused. This arousal may trigger a response, and the response is trademarked by the image--what kind of man gets a beautiful woman?
Men are stimulated sexually through advertisements in order for the company selling the product to make a sale. What makes sexual desire so effective in marketing? Is it because men can't control their desires? Is it because when a man desires he goes after his desire, or else he is a lesser man?
The scene of a hunter chasing down a deer, or a fisherman winning the big catch. It's all clear, men who take home or have proof of catching, obtaining, claiming power over that which they desire--he is a burly man, a real man, a stud. He is a man who snags the most vivacious babe. But this man is a misguided child.
That which we desire is already a part of us, and our very desire creates an image of what it is that we desire. For me it is enough to desire. Desire has been in my mind for a long time, and I don't think it's going anywhere. Desire is never happy with just one thing. The moment one desire is fulfilled, another desire catches up with me. I have learned to be aware of when it is that I am desiring, and what it is that I am desiring for.
In the case of marketing, I am very attracted to models of underwear. Going to a store or looking in a magazine my desire is immediately tantalized by the latest thing. It doesn't really matter what's inside, it's the packaging and the way it makes me feel that is exciting. But funny, the models themselves aren't for sale, nor can I really feel satisfied by stroking the plastic wrapper--it's not real. But what is?
Is desire real? Or has desire been manufactured? Has it been manipulated? Has it been habitualized, sculpted with a particular goal in mind?
The little boy in me says, "NO! I don't want to be a slave anymore. NO! I don't want to be a victim, and the sex in me to be the vehicle that delivers me there."
Breathing in, I am aware of my desire.
Breathing out, I smile to my desire.
If all we did was to become aware of the things that are happening inside of us, our lives might improve. The anxiety I feel, the anger, the rage, the jealousy--it's all a habit and habit-forming. These things I have allowed to penetrate me, control me, offer me their actions, and I to take their actions on as my own--I turn around and purchase, show, and say to others, "Don't you love it?"
Men, I don't mean not to buy pretty underwear, and not to get excited over the things you see on movies, on billboards, in magazines, and yes, even in your own bedroom. The point is to become aware. Once you are aware, the power is in you. The power has always been in you. And it is up to you to inspire it, to nurture it, to make it your own, and use it in ways that inspire others to love, to desire less, and obtain more peace, freedom and happiness.
When you stop, look and become aware of your desires, you see that anything you've wanted is made possible because you think it can be true. That which you desire is in you, the particles, the cells, the body of it are shared with your particles, cells and body. You only need to make it possible for it to manifest. When you have created the thought, the vision, and the space inside of you and in your life, that which you desire becomes reality. It is your perception that is behind it. It is your awareness that has made it so. Anything is possible. Love, happiness, peace and freedom are already a part of you. Make it so!
My name is Brian. I came from childhood abuse. But I am more than that. The one thing I was afraid of after my stepfather came into my bedroom was that what he did would make me gay. I am gay. It's hard to say those words. I've spent so much of my life trying to convince myself otherwise.
Sex and sexuality has been made a forbidden subject in our society. We do it. We see it in advertisements, and on movies, in magazines, and in our relationships. But we don't talk about it. We don't really talk about it. It's not just the talking about sex that has been forbidden, it is the deep looking into it, the surveying of it in our heart, in our body, and in our consciousness. It's this reluctance to get in touch with how we are affecting the world with our views and actions in regards to sex and sexuality.
It may not be extreme to say that most of us, if not all of us, survivors and non-survivors alike of any gender and nationality, have contributed to the misuse and abuse of sex and sexuality. I don't mean so much how we treat others (how we treat others does matter too and affects us and our life) I mean to say that each of us are creating more pain, more hardship, more corruption of this energy.
Sex is energy. We use energy for many things. Sex in our culture has been used to gain power over our thoughts and our actions. Advertisements built by consumerist, capitalistic giants use sex to empower their message: Buy, Buy, Buy. And we are committed, through our actions of body, speech and mind, to servicing their desire for money, power and possession of one of the world's most precious, most valuable resources: The Human Mind.
We are trained from a very young age in habitual responses. Men who love women see movies where beautiful women are saved and caressed by studly, handsome, physically sculpted males, and the men may feel aroused. This arousal may trigger a response, and the response is trademarked by the image--what kind of man gets a beautiful woman?
Men are stimulated sexually through advertisements in order for the company selling the product to make a sale. What makes sexual desire so effective in marketing? Is it because men can't control their desires? Is it because when a man desires he goes after his desire, or else he is a lesser man?
The scene of a hunter chasing down a deer, or a fisherman winning the big catch. It's all clear, men who take home or have proof of catching, obtaining, claiming power over that which they desire--he is a burly man, a real man, a stud. He is a man who snags the most vivacious babe. But this man is a misguided child.
That which we desire is already a part of us, and our very desire creates an image of what it is that we desire. For me it is enough to desire. Desire has been in my mind for a long time, and I don't think it's going anywhere. Desire is never happy with just one thing. The moment one desire is fulfilled, another desire catches up with me. I have learned to be aware of when it is that I am desiring, and what it is that I am desiring for.
In the case of marketing, I am very attracted to models of underwear. Going to a store or looking in a magazine my desire is immediately tantalized by the latest thing. It doesn't really matter what's inside, it's the packaging and the way it makes me feel that is exciting. But funny, the models themselves aren't for sale, nor can I really feel satisfied by stroking the plastic wrapper--it's not real. But what is?
Is desire real? Or has desire been manufactured? Has it been manipulated? Has it been habitualized, sculpted with a particular goal in mind?
The little boy in me says, "NO! I don't want to be a slave anymore. NO! I don't want to be a victim, and the sex in me to be the vehicle that delivers me there."
Breathing in, I am aware of my desire.
Breathing out, I smile to my desire.
If all we did was to become aware of the things that are happening inside of us, our lives might improve. The anxiety I feel, the anger, the rage, the jealousy--it's all a habit and habit-forming. These things I have allowed to penetrate me, control me, offer me their actions, and I to take their actions on as my own--I turn around and purchase, show, and say to others, "Don't you love it?"
Men, I don't mean not to buy pretty underwear, and not to get excited over the things you see on movies, on billboards, in magazines, and yes, even in your own bedroom. The point is to become aware. Once you are aware, the power is in you. The power has always been in you. And it is up to you to inspire it, to nurture it, to make it your own, and use it in ways that inspire others to love, to desire less, and obtain more peace, freedom and happiness.
When you stop, look and become aware of your desires, you see that anything you've wanted is made possible because you think it can be true. That which you desire is in you, the particles, the cells, the body of it are shared with your particles, cells and body. You only need to make it possible for it to manifest. When you have created the thought, the vision, and the space inside of you and in your life, that which you desire becomes reality. It is your perception that is behind it. It is your awareness that has made it so. Anything is possible. Love, happiness, peace and freedom are already a part of you. Make it so!
Friday, June 6, 2008
HOW TO LIGHTEN UP!
Thay has offered a most wonderful training to help us with the conflicts we face in ourselves and in the world. It is a simple practice that has been handed down from the Buddha. It is the practice of mindful breathing. Whenever you are tired, you are sad from things you hear on the news or read in the paper, whenever you feel stressed in relationships, you feel angry and irritable, you are invited to return to your breathing. The simple practice is:
Breathing in, I know I am breathing in.
Breathing out, I know I am breathing out.
Breathing in, I feel calm.
Breathing out, I feel at ease.
Breathing in, I smile.
Breathing out, I release all worries, tension and anxiety.
I have underestimated the power of this simple practice. You know those times when someone says something or does something and you just want them to shut up, and you feel guilty and ashamed for thinking such things? Or those times when you hear really terrible news, and your energy suddenly drops, you feel depressed and you don't know what to do? These are the times to put into practice this short meditation.
No matter where you are, what you are doing, this will help you return. We don't need another depressed person, another anxious, worried face. We need compassion. Compassion is the courage to be ourselves in any situation, and to meet ourselves, even through trials, with the conviction that love and peace and centeredness is the most important thing. If we lose our peace, our love, our calm, we lose touch with the ultimate and the impermanence of things. And the hells in which we are working to save people from will become our reality. Then we are hungry ghosts in need of recovery, in need of helping arms to rescue us from suffering. All of us can practice this peace, this love. We don't need to suffer to help relieve the suffering in others. Our own freedom from suffering is the best gift we can offer those who are in need. Practice peace, love and equanimity.
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